Feeling blue and feeling “red”. I have (don’t have) to leave the country where I was reborn (the country where I died). I have all the hope in the world and no hope at all. I am afraid and I am excited at the same time (and I have no idea which one of these feelings is actually stronger). I am sane and insane. I trust her completely, but sometimes I don’t trust her at all [or I want (or don’t want) not to trust her]. I love her, or I don’t love her. I have no fucking idea. I care, but I am killing myself by carrying for her. I don’t know if I love her or I actually just love myself and admire my own ability to love, unconditionally. I want to save her, and I want to save myself, too. Blue and Red. I love Yugoslavia (BLUE) and I admire China (RED). I am a racist. I think that “yellow” and “black” people are better than the “white” ones. And I think that Chinese and Thai girls are real ladies compared to their white sisters. And I KNOW ONE thing: she doesn’t love me, at least not as much as I love her. Maybe this is why I am so blue and so red right now. Because, if everything is relative, than it is possible that she loves me too…. But maybe I don’t care… Honestly, I don’t know. I have no fucking idea.
08/02/2018